One thing I’m learning from this process, is even with the stigma I have more allies than enemies. Over the past year I’ve been more forthcoming with the people in my circle about the challenges I face and about the medications I’m taking. The reason I’ve been screaming from the rooftops about my bipolar disorder is because it’s part of who I am, but it doesn’t define me. In the grand scheme of things, I want this to be the last thing people remember about me. But every once in a while, they can reflect on it and go ‘I know someone with bipolar disorder, and they’re pretty amazing in spite of the fact that they are fighting a battle we cant see’. Along with this comes the crippling anxiety I face of being in social situations, and this week put me to the test. It’s not that I don’t enjoy people, it’s just that it’s hard for me to regulate my emotions at all times and being an introvert only intensifies these feelings. 

I’m still working on figuring out when to call it quits with my social battery. My current girlfriend has been awesome despite me going through these changes. I don’t know that there will ever be a time where I’ll have my anxiety under control outside of medication to have regular social interactions. In the past I’ve tried Propranolol and Buspar. While I was taking those medications, I was on a lot of other meds and going through med dosage changes, so it’s hard to say what was causing what. I mostly experienced fatigue, but not less anxiety. At this point in my journey I’ll be starting Xanax so maybe that’ll make a huge difference. I’m nervous about the medication becoming a crutch for me, but I’m willing to try anything at this point to get my anxiety under control. With every experience being so overwhelming it’s hard to keep focused on what is me and what is the disorder. In the meantime, I’ll just keep letting people know I’m doing the best I can while going to therapy to work out the kinks. So here is my affirmation to make this week a little easier!

Keep on pushing! — Setbacks happen, but don’t allow one step back to distract you from all the steps you’ve taken forward!