I recently had the beginning of a perfect storm. I had been taking Vraylar as prescribed for about six months now. I considered it my miracle drug, but it was more than I bargained for. Over the course of taking the Vraylar, I developed TD (tardive dyskinesia). Although I noticed my new tongue chewing habit, it never occurred to me that it was something I needed to discuss with my psychiatrist. I went in for a standard appointment to have my FMLA forms filled out and she noticed I had a new leg twitch. She questioned my girlfriend about how long that had been going on and it was revealed that it’d been happening since we increased my dosage; along with my new tongue chewing habit. My psychiatrist then stated, “There’s a medication that combats the side effect of the Vraylar, or we can switch medications again” (of course, *sigh*). After a long conversation, we decided it was in my best interest to switch medications. I was given instructions on how to take myself off the Vraylar and begin Lamictal. 

I can’t speak for anyone else, but I’m one of the people who always seems to get the “rare” side effects. One of the major side effects of Lamictal is that you can develop a third degree type of rash. That being said, I came home from the appointment and stopped taking the Vraylar. I was afraid to try the Lamictal while on Vraylar as well, so I stopped cold turkey until I could be sure that the Vraylar was out of my system. What happened next was everything movies are made of. Somehow in the middle of December, we had a 70 degree day with sunshine. I had company over, we recorded a podcast, and then had some delicious chili prepared by my girlfriend. My psychiatrist knows that I drink, and I do it moderately – except when I’m in the middle of a manic episode; which had previously been controlled by the Vraylar. Which brings me back to this fateful December day. That night, for whatever reason, my impulse control was out the window and I began displaying some erratic behavior. Before I knew it, I was pounding back beers on a Sunday night without a care and blasting music – definitely not my normal on nights before work. Next thing I knew, I was trying to put together a Christmas tree (poorly), then giving up and crying uncontrollably. I would later find out that I experienced a manic episode that was triggered by the sudden discontinuation of my medication.

 I’m sharing this because I don’t have it all together. I needed to take Monday off or at least come in later to work. I was unable to take care of myself because I was so manic that I lost all clarity, and that’s a scary feeling. Usually there would be a build up to my symptoms and I would be prepared for the mania, but this time was honestly in my blind spot. Now, it’s time for me to create an action plan to get over the hump of another medication change. I’m not sure what to expect, and honestly it’s starting to become frustrating. My biggest concern through all of this is self care. How do I take care of myself while I wait for the FMLA paperwork to process? How do I take care of myself when they’ve already denied my request for an accommodation? How do you tell your coworkers you may need more time off for a medication change, when there’s already so much confusion and stigma around the diagnosis? Nobody showed me any compassion until I was experiencing the very physical symptoms of medication withdrawal at work. We have to start acknowledging that although someone may not exhibit physical symptoms of an illness, it doesn’t mean they’re any less ill or deserving of compassion. It really can get easier when we can have an open and honest conversation about what we really need. I truly do believe most people who suffer from a mental illness can have a successful and fulfilling life, with the right tools in place. However, we will first have to allow them access to the things they need during the hard times.