When I first started this journey, I didn’t think healing was possible. My only goal was to make sure I had the tools in place to make it through my work day. Now, I’m at my 8 month point and want to reflect on how far I’ve come. Eight months ago I wasn’t on medication, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to be. All I knew for sure, was that the depression I was in was fueling me to drink heavily again. I also wasn’t sleeping and constantly had nightmares every time I tried to rest; regardless of what time I went to bed, or how much I actually slept. In that first meeting with the psychiatrist, I realized that I was becoming a shell of myself – a person I could no longer recognize. We did the depression and anxiety questionnaire, and my scores were high. For months, at every appointment we went over the questionnaire, and little by little I began to improve. We played around with a variety of medications, and even though they helped remove the feeling of hopelessness, I still didn’t actually feel like myself. 

My psychiatrist was willing to listen, and slowly we are getting the results I wanted. 

I’ve gone from only getting four hours of sleep to a full seven. My medication for bipolar disorder, Vraylar, is working even though we recently increased the dose, and the results are even better than what I originally experienced. The psychiatrist and I have now decided that it’s something I should take at night to combat the constant hunger and grogginess. As for my anxiety, the medication I take for it is PRN, or as needed throughout the day, versus it being included in my daily medication regimen. After all of this time I still have feelings of anxiety, but it comes in short bursts versus the constant wave of it I was experiencing at first. Even with all of this, there’s a reason I try not to focus on my lows too long. If I sit in them long enough they’ll have a new life.There have been plenty of bad days on these new medications, but I try to keep that in the background and not at the forefront of my narrative. This is all just trial and error – no one knows what’ll stick. We just know some days are better than others. 

Since everything is now being well managed, we’re going to try some alternative methods to combat my PTSD. One of the methods is Safe and Sound Protocol (SSP), which is basically a type of listening therapy where music is used to try to relax the nervous system. They have five playlists of songs, and you listen to one each day with the ultimate goal of releasing deep traumas and emotions in a safe and secure environment. Another method is to work out the random bursts of anxiety I experience through the use of a Theraband Flexbar. It’s very similar to a resistance band, but it’s a lot thicker and actually comes in the shape of a bar. 

  The reason I’m sharing all of this is because I thought for a long time this was just my life and I would have to live in a constant state of uncertainty, but I’m realizing I don’t. I feel empowered because I’m actively involved in my care. I’m aware that everyday won’t be like this so I have to celebrate every win, no matter how small it may seem. So here’s my tip:

1 – Celebrate your victories! This is a tough battle, but on the days we don’t have to fight, let’s fully embrace the wins.

“Victory is sweetest when you’ve known defeat.” 

– Malcolm S. Forbes